No Pain, No Gain

I could never imagine how true this phrase is until now.

When I was in college, everything is done haphazardly and it was relatively easy to pass a subject just by studying the lesson only on the day of the exams. But now – in Medschool – things are a different big time!

You have to read and re-read and re-read just to understand the concept.

And I do understand the reason – somebody’s life is on the line and if I mess up – someone’s life will be on my hands and I can never bring anything back as they were before.

So, even if I only have little time posting in this blog of mine – I will still be back once in a while.

P.S.

tomorrow is an exam and the day after is another exam…bear with me :-)

The Stress of Sending Myself to School

College of Medicine – Cool :-)

Working and earning salary – Cool :-)

Combine the two: College of Medicine + Work = Working Student = STRESS! :-(

PRELIMS is over and I have experienced a few down moments. (And, when I say down moments, I say financially, physically and emotionally exhausted). Depends on how you look at it – but I choose to look at it in a positive light.

I am still working and so far – I am still the average student that I was. I don’t know my class standing. I am definitely not among the top but absolutely not at the bottom top.

Well anyways, I’m still alive and kicking. I am still juggling between studying and working at the same time. It’s hard. It’s definitely hard to work while going to school and Medicine is not something you should be taking lightly.

But, I know, in God’s perfect timing and Grace, He will direct Me to a path – not free from hardships but tolerable and manageable through His given strength.

So, help me God. :-)

Adapting to New Environment

Since I started school again, adapting has been a continuous struggle daily, including -

* waking up early

* doing personal hygiene as early as 5 AM

* make sure that the kids are awake before I go out of the house (because, you know I don’t want my kids to grow without my “presence” so I make sure I’m a mother first and a student second)

It is a constant struggle mainly  because I have to juggle everything and manage time accordingly. I have to be a mother, who has to work. I have to be a student, who has to study. And, I have to be me, who has to take things slow and – “not stressful” as possible.

STRESS is the ENEMY of SLE – and of everybody else.

But, there is use to all of that – I know nothing is sweeter than attaining your goal with lots and lots of hard work.

So, I’m just going to hang in here and make sure I do best. God Bless me…:-)

The Woman You Thought You Knew

She may be quiet now – not revealing anything, not saying anything, just smiling in between clenched teeth and silently screaming tears.

But soon dearest, when the phoenix in her rises and the scorpion stings, you’ll see you’ve treated this woman wrongly.

Soon – just you wait and see.

She will make you pay for every teardrop and for every heartache. She will rise stronger than ever – defying death.

She will make you regret the very moment you started hurting her.

And finally, she will make you see that she is not the kind of woman you thought you knew.

It is not about hurting you back. It is about showing you that she can do it all on her own without you by her side. It is all about showing you that without you – she could be happy.

Laughter Fights Depression

Yeah, I admit – depression is a constant struggle for me. It has been since July 19, 2002. I guess you know why but in the midst of depression I found one powerful weapon and it is called -

LAUGHTER :-)

What is laughter for me?

Laughter is like -

  • Alcohol: Since I don’t drink alcohol, I would compare laughter as my own brand of alcohol. It helps me to sleep and even though it doesn’t take away the pain or it doesn’t make the problem go away at least it helps me take my mind off the pressing matters of life.
  • Cigarette: While others are addicted to cigarette, I am addicted to laughter. It helps in more ways than majority of the general population can imagine.
  • Drug: It keeps me high. Regardless of how superficial the reason of the source of laughter is, I laugh and I laugh hard like there’s no tomorrow. It takes me to new heights and it seems that I can’t stop.

It is a morbid analogy. But my point is – I don’t get why there are people wasting their lives on these three things while there are some of us struggling to breath, struggling to think and most of all struggling to be alive.

For me, laughter is not the best medicine. It is the ONLY medicine. It may sound crazy but it worked just fine for me.

NSAIDs – Non-steroidal Anti-Inflammatory Drugs: These don’t work anymore. No matter how high the dose may be – I am still in pain and my doctor has no choice.

Well, I have a choice – GIVE UP or MOVE ON. I REFUSE to give up so I’ll move on. Laughter is my alternative.

And yes, I laugh even if I’m all alone. Whenever I see a very funny picture or read an extremely hilarious joke, I laugh and I don’t mind whoever watches me. In fact, I don’t care. It’s my regular dose of drug so if anyone does not understand – it’s not my problem. :-)

So, laugh, live, love, pray – 3LP – These are the things that made moving on possible.

Ungas Died, We all Mourned

I don’t fear my own death but I fear others’ death. I realized it’s the sense of being “left behind” makes death rather disheartening instead of letting go and embracing freedom.

Ungas died, we all mourned.

I speak about our dog like a person because that’s what he is for me. He greets like no other. He makes things a little special – on his own. He even makes me sleep – especially when sleep doesn’t come to me – by offering his ears for me to caress.

I drove madly over my mother’s house – running at 60kph (a speed I wasn’t supposed to reach being female and sick) just to get there on time but I DIDN’T. I wasn’t able to get there with him still alive. I got there to find a seemingly sleeping dog – so peaceful and still warm.

My two brothers cried, my sisters cried, my nieces cried, WE ALL CRIED – mourned the loss of a very wonderful dog whose eyes speak more than what the mouth can’t.

And as I am writing this – my heart aches like no other and I’m pouring every single word with tears brimming on my eyes. It was supposed to be happy because there were two birthdays to celebrate – Jaci and Ina but it just wasn’t that happy at all.

We were like celebrating the 1st and 40th day of Ungas’ death.

As I listen to my siblings speak, they were all awake at around 2 AM to find Ungas in pain. I would trade anything to be there. I would trade anything to be there caressing his ears again just to ease the pain he is feeling if that’s the least I could do.

However, I realized I am thankful that I was able to have memories with him and that’s what counts – memories that I wouldn’t trade for anything. It was short-lived (he was approximately 5-6 years with us) but meaningful. And, if I would recount those memories, I wouldn’t be able to do so without flooding my laptop with tears.

So here’s to Ungas. My little tribute to you my dearest, dearest, dearest friend.

P.S. Please Moji (my other dog) – stay with me for as long as you can.

The Euphemism of not Having Enough Time

Constant rushing about life and running out of time.

Constant rushing about life and running out of time.

Can time be enough? Can you give someone more time? Can time be something that you can quantify just by seconds, minutes or hours?

I guess not.

Every day, people are rushing about trying to make things better than yesterday – piles of work, a lot of people to keep in touch to, a lot of articles to write, deadlines to beat, household chores to complete and a lot more.

Not having enough time is just a euphemism of – “Sorry, you didn’t make it to the top of my list.”

I am guilty of this.

I often tell people “Sorry, I don’t have time.” When I actually mean, “it’s the least of my concerns right now I can’t make it.”

We all have choices.

We make them on a daily basis so I don’t believe when people say “I don’t have a choice.” You have a choice, you just didn’t make one that people expected you to. Well, it’s still a choice, isn’t it?

Our choices on a daily basis allowed us to select which ones to do. It is like a To-Do list. You list down the things you needed to do and #1 being the top priority. You do the #1 hoping to get to #2 but when you can’t finish #1 obviously you can’t get to #2 – unless you multi-task like me and end up not finishing anything at all. Ha-ha!

We have time for everything. We never run out of time unless it is about racing death we’re talking about. Time is infinite. Our choices aren’t.

Having not enough time for something just means you’ve prioritized something else.

How much spare time do you spend on Facebook and Twitter? What is that but “TIME,” too?

It is like – “I don’t have time to text you but I have time checking out my Facebook.”

OR

“I don’t have time to call you but I have time going out to bars and dine out with my friends.”

I hope I am not doing this on the extreme. I try so hard to give time to everything – that’s why I multitask. Only, I end up non-productive because I finish nothing. (On second thought, multi-tasking has helped me with article writing so I guess there’s a positive side to it)

Anyway, hope ya’ll have a good time! :-) Let’s rock life.

40 Days without Facebook

From Ash Wednesday to Easter Sunday, I was able to handle all these days without Facebook. It was the least I could do. Although, Facebook isn’t really something that’s important to me. I just check it once in a while – read posts – get mad at stupid statuses and laugh at silly ones.

I realized Facebook isn’t so special. I mean, I can live without one.

I also realized that true friends will remain to keep in touch with or without FB. Not that someone DID keep in touch with me all 40 days. In fact, it is EMBARRASSING to admit that no one had kept in touch like you know really call or text just for the sake of keeping in touch.

There is a big difference between sending forwarded messages and actually keeping in touch. Many had forwarded messages but I mean all 40 days no one had really kept in touch. So… I don’t want to sound depressed or begging for attention here. I just thought that with or without FB, the people who truly want to stay in your life will – no questions asked, no doubts, no – nothing – they will be there no matter what.

I am not depressed. LOL. It was just a realization that even if I stay out of FB for the rest of my life left I LOSE NOTHING special. :-)

I’m Back

I feel like it’s been a long, long time since I was here.

Well, it was worth it – taking a step back and looking life at large. I realized many things and I will be making different posts for all realizations I’ve made during the time of my absence.

Just wanted you (whoever you are as long as you’re reading this – this is for you) to know, that I am back and I’ll let you know how my life went without writing too much.

My hyperactive mind wanted to write but my body cannot handle the pressure. LOL :-)

Anyway, I’ll be making posts in the next few days describing how life has been for me the past weeks.

All the best,

Jaki