There was never a single day that I did not want to scream in physical pain. That much is true.
But I already mastered the art of pretension that I am okay since my diagnosis 12 years ago. Joint pains – yes and multiple joints all hounding you from morning until night. It just doesn’t stop – not even with medications and pain relievers.
Pretending. Pretending. Pretending.
I keep pretending that I am okay. When I wake up in the morning, I gulp down all the screams and get up and face my family with a smile, over and over again.
Why – you may ask?
Because, I don’t want them to see, hear or feel that I am in pain. Because… It hurts twice as much to see pain in their eyes looking at their youngest daughter writhing in pain.
Physical pain – That’s what I can handle.
Emotional pain – That’s another story to tell.
You see, when your loved ones know you’re in pain – it reflects in their eyes and it hurts more. So, I carried on with my silent screaming hoping and praying that my physical pain becomes their strength – and that I would become their living epitome of hope and courage.
Believe me, it is a constant struggle even until now – 12 years after. (Okay, not quite – it’s going to be 12 years in July 19 – ha-ha).
I guess it helps that I write – too much. SALTS (smiled a little then stopped) – an acronym I learned some time ago – just sharing.
Anyway, with all the silent screaming – I hope all inner voices won’t get deaf.