Let me begin by saying, someone else always had it worse.
But today, I got home with more pain than I can handle to pretend it doesn’t exist. I was selfish. I didn’t want to lose in any argument. I always find holes in excuses. I smile but my head is already boiling with rage. I often think that someone has to put up with me, or else.
Bad. Selfish. Undeniably human.
But, I am human, right? I am entitled to feel this once in a while and if I don’t, I might end up with more problems than I have now, namely – repressed emotions; emotional turmoil that turned unresolved.
Nonetheless, despite my “anger” or “madness” (if you can call that), I remained cool and smiling. I thought that if someone cannot handle me at my worst, they are no longer entitled to see me at my very best. That’s that. (At least, I’m not the type who grow bitter towards people when they don’t handle you right during the downtimes). I just return to my shell and observe you again – thinking or wondering whether it is safe to go out from that shell and be exposed to you.
If someone cannot accept you for who and what you have become, they have forfeited their right to see more from you in the future.
Life is all about reciprocating. Perhaps, it is not the same as receiving what has been given. But, receiving something – gratitude, a smile, a pat in the back, an inspirational word, a text message at any given time and a lot more. These are small things but they reciprocate what was given. If you gave out a piece of bread, surely – you will be reciprocated with a smile or a word of gratitude. Still, that counts as reciprocating.
I don’t even know if that makes sense. There isn’t a day when I stopped looking for what makes sense. My hyperactive brain sometimes cannot cope up. It turns sluggish that sometimes I misunderstand people – what they say and what they do.
However, I tend to look for what’s good in things. My anger doesn’t get into my head. I tend to find logic – to deduce and find something positive – all the time.
Still, my principle stands: handle me at my worst and I will show you my side of best.