I see bleakness. I recognize my feeling as something far off – beyond the reach of logic. I wake up every day – smile at people who smile at me – ignore the ones who don’t, take a bath, eat, brush my teeth, go out if I have to, go home, check emails, check messages, travel to a predefined destination, text someone if necessary, call someone if necessary, read some stories, play games, lie in bed and then this is usually the moment everything falls apart.
Every day feels like I am on autopilot – like someone has been functioning for my sake because my sanity just couldn’t handle my realities.
This too shall pass. I tell myself.
I know – deep in my heart I believe so. I have not faced a single challenge before that I have not survived. Somehow this time, I doubt I will.
Recently, my life has been a monotony of gray. An endless horizon of dullness.
I look at people and none of them really matters to me. I lost my curiosity about their lives because I was too engrossed on my own. It feels like I am going to lose everything if I don’t get a grip of what I had become.
This is what I have become.
My existence almost reduced to nothing because of an experience that feels more ethereal than real. It feels like some celestial force has tugged the strings in order to steer me away from a path I could choose but preferred not. I allowed this celestial force beckon me to this nothingness.
At the end of the tunnel, I see light – yet it felt so far to even consider the end.
I could not fathom how I have become a humanoid – a demihuman or a demisomething. Yet, I could understand why.
Nobody understands why – only myself.
Deep down I know I can do this – but I also know that the reason behind this – I cannot completely let go at least not without letting go of my sanity too.
So, here I am enduring days of monotonic gray.